My Positively Anxious Story
Welcome! Thanks for stopping by. You’re probably here because you or someone you know struggles with anxiety, or you know me personally (if not, you can learn more here). Either way, I appreciate you.
I have an anxiety disorder. Many people I know have different kinds of anxiety disorders. This blog’s purpose is to start a larger conversation on the topic. The mental health conversation is starting, but in my opinion, I feel that anxiety is left out of the party - yet, so many people struggle with it in different ways. Everyone gets stressed, but people with generalized anxiety worry on average five times more than those who are generally stressed. I can’t even think of a TV show or movie where the main character has a panic attack…and I watch a lot of TV. If you knew other people were experiencing what you were, would you feel more normal? Would you feel more comfortable speaking out about it? I know I would. So, let’s talk about it, shall we? I’ll start…
My Positively Anxious Story
Anxiety and Me
Anxiety is a pretty general term. Most mental health professionals categorize five types of anxiety: General, OCD, Panic Disorder, Social, and PTSD . I’m involuntarily signed up for the first and third - woo! My earliest memories of general anxiety begin around age 10. My panic disorder is a more recent development, starting when I was 31.
Looking back, I realize that my anxiety symptoms were rather typical, manifesting physically before my brain could catch up - this still happens today. While there is still a lack of awareness about anxiety today, back in 1995 no one had a clue. Here was lil Nic freaking out - heart racing, hands tingling, trouble breathing, lump in her throat - and even doctors were like “there’s nothing wrong.” I mean, ok, thanks. After experiencing the undiagnosed symptoms long enough, I had to learn to deal with them on my own. I eventually realized they in fact weren’t really leading to anything life threatening. And just learned to accept them and not give the symptoms the power that they wanted.
I remember one specific time when I was living in LA in my twenties, I was riding in a car with my friend Brandon.
I told him that suddenly “my arms are tingling and my hands are numb.” He doesn’t have anxiety, so his response was “um, are you having a heart attack?” (FYI - not a good response for the anxious). I knew it was anxiety deciding to be annoying AF. So I endured because I knew it wasn’t anything life threatening. And I didn’t want to give the anxiety power. I recently reminded him of this story and he hadn’t realized I struggled with anxiety - because I didn’t talk about it! He also said “well thank god we had an earthquake survival plan then.” My idea, of course.
When I was 31, everything I thought I knew about my anxiety changed. I developed a panic disorder when, within a two-month period, I went through several traumatic events that included a breakup, sudden career change, and then was hit by a car while crossing the street. I mean, seriously.
All it took was one severe panic attack. I had minor ones before, so minor that I wasn’t even sure they were panic attacks. This one had me damn close to calling myself a nice little ambulance ride to the ER. I was at lunch with friends, light on sleep, and full on caffeine (I have since learned the latter are two common anxiety triggers…oops). I was already wildly anxious with all my life changes, and then out of nowhere, I felt like the wind was taken out of me and I couldn’t breathe. I hyperventilated, I was so nauseous I thought I was going to throw up, I was trembling as if I were freezing cold, and yet sweating at the same time.
At this point, I only was taking anti-anxiety medication for flying.
I knew I had some at home, so my wonderfully supportive friends took me home and stayed with me until I calmed. The experience was so terrifying that I started to be in constant fear of another panic attack. And for a period of time, developed agoraphobia even when just leaving my apartment. That, my friends, was the start of my panic disorder. Good times.
In addition to the mindfulness practices I already had in place, I decided medication was the best route for me when the panic disorder joined the party. Currently, my panic attacks tend to only happen when my generalized anxiety is heightened. I learned my panic attacks are also triggered by feeling trapped, sometimes in the simplest situations. Certain things that used to be no-brainers for me, take practice now. Sometimes, in trigger situations, I fear the panic attacks so much that it sets one off. Yup, I can think them into existence. Other times they just come, for example, when I’m dead asleep.
My anxiety has changed, but I’ve changed with it. I proactively work really hard at my mental health now. I have it so under control now that many people in my life don’t even know I have anxiety. And I continue to rely on medication, but I also utilize a lot of other tactics to keep myself at a hundred percent. A few of my favorites are:
Meditation
Gratitude Journaling
Hypnosis
Therapy
Self Care
I am still a believer that things get better with age, even though my anxiety has become more of a bitch. But, as Kelly Clarkson would say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger (sorry for putting that song in your head all day...but I had to go there).
What’s Next
Everything happens for a reason. My struggles with panic and anxiety have forced me to become comfortable and confident with who I am. I am 33 and have never been happier. Do I have it all together? Lol, no. But, I am less of a control freak. I talk about my feelings. And I am a better leader in my work life. I am extremely social. I show up more fully in relationships. Generally, I give way fewer f*cks. Doesn’t mean that all comes easily - in fact, I practice really hard at it. I am stronger because of my anxiety, and my anxiety is not who I am. I think it’s time to start the discussion and together take our power back, party people.
