Work in Progress: How I am Dealing with Agoraphobia
There are several different types of anxiety: generalized anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress, and panic disorder. Typically, with any sort of anxiety, you are prone to the occasional panic attack. When there is a panic disorder involved, the panic attacks are sudden, frequent, and very severe. At times, agoraphobia and panic disorders can go hand-in-hand. With agoraphobia comes the anticipatory fear of panic attacks that is so intense that one will avoid trigger situations where they feel trapped, and even past places where there was a previous panic attack.
How I am Dealing with Agoraphobia
Enter, Nic. Hi. I’ve had generalized anxiety ever since I was very young, but after a series of traumatic events, I developed a panic disorder accompanied with agoraphobia (more of my story here). There are many different reasons people develop panic disorders, but for me personally it was during a high stress time in my life. Prior to the panic disorder, I had a few minor panic attacks in the past. So minor, that I would think, “I kind of am freaking out as I’m sitting here on the couch for no reason at all - is this a panic attack?” Yeah, if only my panic attacks were like that now (here is an explanation of what they feel like).
With a panic disorder the attacks are hella intense. Like, call 911 intense (thankfully, I haven’t, but I’ve been close!). I am not diminishing the seriousness of the occasional panic attack without the panic disorder at all. They can vary in severity and can be just as intense. I am just speaking to my personal experience and the difference I’ve noticed from when my panic disorder set in. They scared me so much and were happening so frequently in my normal day-to-day, I developed agoraphobia.
My agoraphobia was so intense that I feared attacks enough to actually trigger them.
Yes, I can think a panic attack into existence. It’s a true talent, and not one that I’m proud of. I can’t even begin to explain how frustrating it is to be responsible for your own panic attack. Sure, there are times when they aren’t self-inflicted and come out of nowhere, but there are still a lot of times that I trigger them by anticipating an attack when I start to feel trapped, or if I’m in a situation where I’ve had a panic attack before.
At the height of my agoraphobia in 2016, I decided it was a great idea to attend an ALCS baseball playoff game. A great idea to put myself in a sold out Wrigley Field, packed with 41,679 people to be exact. The Cubs went on to win the World Series for the first time since 1908, so I had an opportunity to witness history, and let’s be honest, I would have had a serious case of FOMO if I didn’t go. There was also a part of me, and there still is, that was in denial about the things I used to be able to do with ease are now a work in progress for me. I refused to let my panic disorder deter me from doing something that I enjoy, so I pushed myself- in this case, too far - and went. And a panic attack, I had.
That means Wrigley Field has now been marked as “dangerous” within my mind.
I mean, hell, it’s called the Friendly Confines - how effed up is that?! But, that’s the thing with agoraphobia - if you’ve had a panic attack in a certain situation, you then fear that situation in the future. A baseball game is sadly kind of the perfect storm for me: usually warm conditions (very bad for my anxiety), a lot of people, difficult to get out of, and decently far from home. I like to say it’s North of the Wall, for all you Game of Throne-rs out there (ugh, RIP). File all of those things under: panic attack triggers for Nic.
On to the silver lining, finally. Since that attack three years ago, I’ve attended both baseball games and concerts in Wrigley Field more times than I can count. It gets easier and easier every time. In fact, I went just a few days ago and the thought of a panic attack only entered my mind once. Fly the fricken W (Cub’s reference, if you don’t get it). Over the years, I’ve learned to attempt (attempt is a key word here) to have a rational discussion with myself when the agoraphobia and anticipatory fear set in:
1. What benefit am I getting out of fearing a panic attack?
Sure, ultimately my fight or flight wants to keep me safe. But am I entering a situation that I want to be in? Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have put myself there. Is the situation actually dangerous? No. Could I really get out of the situation if I wanted to? Yes. If I ultimately want to be there then why am I torturing myself with panic thoughts? Good point.
2. How can I stop these thoughts?
Here’s where a consistent meditative practice keeps my mind strong. A thought comes up, I stop it, and let it go. I may have to do it a million times until I’ve calmed down, but it eventually works.
3. Worst case, I have a panic attack. What will happen?
Ok, so I can’t fight it off and the panic attack comes. I will take a Xanax, and within 30 minutes will be fully calmed down. Maybe I will have to go home, that isn't a big deal. The reality is, I’ve been through it a million times and will get through it again.
With agoraphobia, it’s really important for me to not use avoidance as a way to cope, because then I will never be able to go and do things that I enjoy. It can be scary and I certainly don’t execute this perfectly all the time, quite the opposite actually. Also, sometimes the attacks come without warning and there is zero time for any sort of conversation. A daily medication has also helped me with agoraphobia, but a lot of progress has happened through my own self-work. I’ve been on medication for three years, but have really only felt more in control of my agoraphobia within the past six months. It’s still a work in progress, but progress is everything.