Work in Progress: Letting Go of Being a People Pleaser
I’m an inherent people pleaser. I found an article that confirms it, and I always believe what the Internet tells me (this is why I don’t Google medical conditions). My natural instinct is to put what I need aside to make sure I am not disappointing others. According to said article, other signs of being a people pleaser include: feeling responsible for how people feel, apologizing often when it isn’t necessary, and feeling uncomfortable if someone is angry with you. Shit. Check, check, and check.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
I have to work really hard to remember to put my needs first. Sometimes I’m a rockstar at it and sometimes I fall back into bad habits. Typically when I’m going through an insecure or challenging time is when this bad behavior starts to creep up. One of the many helpful things that I’ve learned through (years of) therapy, is that being a people pleaser typically stems from a more deeply rooted issue. After some rather uncomfortable cognitive behavior therapy, I’ve realized the cause of my people pleaser-ness is likely from my most formidable years—in my case, middle school—when my anxiety started and made feel different from the rest of the kids at school. And those kids didn’t hesitate to make me feel worse about it.
It isn’t a rumor that childhood events can cause certain behaviors in adulthood.
Due to my desire to want to be accepted by my peers in childhood while feeling different, I carry a need to please the people around me to this day. What I have learned over the years though is that when I disregard my boundaries, feelings, and physical health, I’m ultimately letting myself down. And that’s a lot worse. When I let myself down, anxiety and all sorts of fun things start to creep in. When those feelings creep in, I truly can’t show up fully for myself, and in turn, can’t show up for other people. So really, sacrificing my needs can only make my fear of disappointing people worse. Whoa.
This past weekend I was supposed to take a trip to New York with my girlfriends. The day before I was supposed to leave, I was feeling conflicted on whether or not I should go. I had been sick the entire week and had anxiety as a result. I was really looking forward to a weekend of fun, not to mention the flight and hotel were nonrefundable. While feeling conflicted as to what I should do, I completely lost sight of what I needed and got worked up about letting my friends down. I thought they would be mad, I thought they would think I’m unreliable—here comes the childhood trauma! I consulted a few other people who reminded me that I have to do what’s best for me.
Although I felt really bummed and guilty, I knew canceling was best, so I did.
While New York would have been a blast, the weekend staying in town ended up being what was best for me. I rested, binged Game of Thrones, and went to brunch with a few friends. On Sunday, we had an ever-so-annoying April snowstorm, so my flying back to Chicago would have been a nightmare anyway. I worked this up to be a huge event in my head that wasn’t true at all. Also, my friends of course weren’t mad at me! I completely made up their reaction in my head. Oh, and I was able to get the entire trip refunded. Thank you, Universe.
What I’ve learned over the years is that saying “no” without guilt is one of the most powerful and healthy things I can do for myself. When I’m at my healthiest, I’m at my best for others. I had been going about being a people pleaser in the wrong way. Also, turns out, people who are your true friends are never going to be disappointed in you. And will understand your need to take care of yourself.
Although I’m completely aware of the way I gravitate towards being a people pleaser, and am constantly working on it, it’s still a work in progress. Rewiring your brain isn’t easy work, folks. Through every learning experience I have to remember to be patient with myself. And lean on the good people I surround myself with if I’m having trouble rationalizing. There’s that common quote that says “you can’t be everything to everyone, so stop trying.” Whoever said that, I hear ya loud and clear.