Brené Brown & The Strength in Vulnerability
All hail queen Brené Brown. She was introduced to me (the name, not actually in person...I wish) by a family member, and my life is forever better. Brené is a research professor and the author of five #1 New York Times Best Sellers on the topics of courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. All light topics. She recently released a Netflix special: The Call to Courage which is 76 minutes of pure motivation and informational whoas. All while being a self-proclaimed introvert. And this is why I’m so happy she is in my life.
Brené Brown & The Strength in Vulnerability
The vulnerability topic in particular is one that has stuck out to me for years. There is a definite stigma that surrounds vulnerability, particularly, a stigma that points to it as a weakness. I am one who wears their emotions on their sleeve. Some say that my face says it all - what can I say, I’m an honest human (who can’t control their facial expressions, apparently).
If something is challenging, difficult, or hurts, I have a hard time putting on a neutral face. Through experience, I thought internalizing was the best course of action. For example, I was a multi-sport athlete in high school. Lol, just kidding, I rode the bench in volleyball. I was also a cheerleader and on the drill team. I had good grades, a social life, and a boyfriend. And I would have several different practices until 9pm at night and then had to study—I had a lot on my plate. The drill team would travel to a national dance competition every few years, which meant an extended season that dipped into my other activities.
At one point, the coach decided to attend two years in a row, and I felt very overwhelmed by that decision. I was vulnerable and expressed how I felt, and in return, I was called out in front of the entire team and shamed. I was mortified, felt like I was letting everyone down, and felt betrayed by my coach. These early experiences in life shape how you handle experiences going forward - hence, internalizing vulnerability for me.
In adult life, you spend almost half of your time at work.
There’s undoubtedly a stigma surrounding vulnerability in the workplace. Traditionally the workplace is “supposed” to be a place where you shouldn’t show your weaknesses. Well, as you grow in your career it can mean higher expectations, more pressure to continue to succeed, and having more difficult conversations. That shit can be hard. A few years ago, I said fuck it, and finally decided to give in to vulnerability and speak my challenges out loud to both my peers and superiors. That has been one of the most liberating and biggest wins in my life. No longer internalizing my emotions and questions, but (figuratively) shouting it.
In fact, in one of my peer reviews, I received several pieces of feedback that my vulnerability was admired and appreciated. I decided to look at vulnerability differently. I decided that it isn’t a sign of weakness at all, in fact, it’s quite the opposite. It's a sign of bravery and strength. And my girl Brené, agrees.
In “Call to Courage” Brené describes her life before and after the quote above by Teddy Roosevelt, and how she ultimately decided she’s going to live in the arena. According to Brené, when we build cultures, especially at work, where there is zero tolerance for vulnerability and where perfectionism is rewarded, uncomfortable conversations can’t be had. We end up talking about people instead of with people, and it becomes toxic. Ethical decision-making is in fact born from vulnerability. Brave leaders are never silent around difficult topics - and that requires courage and vulnerability.
These are the common myths that Brené describes around vulnerability:
Vulnerability is weakness. As a part of her research, she asked ex-military veterans if they could provide one example of where they experienced courage without vulnerability. They indeed, could not. There is no courage without vulnerability.
I don’t do vulnerability. Well according to Brené, yes, you do. You do it knowingly, or it does you. And If you don’t acknowledge vulnerability, you work your shit out on other people. Ew.
I can go it alone. We can’t tackle everything alone. We are hardwired for connection, people.
You can engineer the uncertainty and discomfort out of vulnerability. Negative. Once it becomes comfortable, it’s no longer vulnerability.
Trust comes before vulnerability. You share with people who have earned the right to hear your story, because vulnerability without boundaries is not vulnerability.
Vulnerability is disclosure. You don’t measure vulnerability by the amount of disclosure, you measure it by the courage of showing up to be seen when you can’t control the outcome.
This is not only relevant in the workplace, but in every area of life: social life, relationships, boundary setting, etc. If you choose to be brave and live in the arena, it’s not going to be easy. But it’s the courageous way to live. And if someone doesn’t respect that way to live, they ain’t your people. Brene says “It’s not that you don’t give a shit about what everyone thinks, but give a shit about what some people think - the people who appreciate your strength and vulnerability.” Amen.