Work in Progress: A Lesson in Letting Go of Control
I try to find a lesson in everything and I truly believe things happen for a reason. Sometimes life forces me into lessons that I, like, really despise. Even so, I try to see the positive in situations, if I can (Positively Anxious, get it?). Case in point: My recent trip to Arizona.
How to Let Go of Control
Let me set the scene. There’s a g.damn Polar Vortex in Chicago. What is that you ask? That is a casual -50 degrees in air temperature leading to frostbite within minutes and generally really dangerous conditions. I was in a fortunate enough position with work, lodging, and booking my flight on miles that I had the flexibility to get the hell out of here before the deep freeze set in. Thankfully, I made it to Arizona (with my neurotic flight routine), but my friends who were set to come two days later were not as lucky. Flights were being cancelled left and right, and I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be disastrous if they got cancelled and couldn’t make it? Boom, I thought it into existence. Cool.
Enter that betch, anxiety. Me and my anxiety don’t do well with lack of control, and general disorder. Although I know I can’t plan every detail of my life, I do like to have a general idea of what is going on, especially if I’m away from home. So here I am, away from home, with a really fun agenda for the weekend that’s suddenly completely scrapped. There are people out there that are totally cool with rolling with the punches when shit changes suddenly. I am not one of those people. I get really riled up when I’m suddenly out of control, which then triggers my anxiety.
So, my first reaction was to freak out. Um, should I go home? What am I going to do with my weekend? Who am I going to hang out with? Ugh, I’m so bummed that I can’t enjoy something I was looking forward to. And so on, and so on…
Before I made any sudden changes—but definitely not before I rattled off like 10 S.O.S. texts—I let my rational brain set in for one second.
I literally laughed to myself (I do this when I’m extremely uncomfortable). Let’s think about this. The cards are clearly unfolding this way for a reason. But why? While I like to say that I’m a recovering control freak, that’s probably being a bit optimistic. It’s just in my DNA, as is anxiety - honestly, they pretty much go hand and hand. I have to proactively work really hard to not let it consume me. Here I am, being forced into fully giving up control and rolling with the punches. This isn’t even in the vicinity of my comfort zone, but this is appearing to be a forced lesson.
So, I decided I was going to let myself be guided towards whatever this lesson was with the most positive attitude I could have. Full disclosure, it took me about 12 hours to find a positive outlook on the situation. But at least I got there.
I had a few things going for me. 1) I’m really familiar with Arizona, and have family in the area. If I was in a place that I was totally unfamiliar with, my anxiety would have likely been 1000x worse. 2) There was a big event in Arizona that same weekend, so I actually know a few people in town from Chicago. However, they were all having guys weekends that I would literally have been crashing, and some things I (thankfully) was not invited to.
How did the weekend turn out? Interesting.
I had to consistently be mindful of allowing myself to let go of control. There were never really any plans made, and if they were, they were changing constantly. Thankfully neither of my anxiety disorders are social anxiety. For that, I’m was very fortunate in the given situation. I am perfectly fine socializing in a group of people I don’t know (but put me in a 4 hour drive, and that’s a different story).
I also spent a lot of time alone. While I value some alone time, I go a little crazy when it’s 24/7. I’m a social person and do like to be around people (especially after like 4 days of being alone). I was uncomfortable with it, but I found a way to take advantage of it. One day, I went to the spa and pool, and day boozed alone. Although I had planned on social activities, the day ended up lovely! As a general rule, I never feel bad treating myself, but I especially didn’t that day. I caught up on a lot of movies at night. I actually read a book. And I had to keep my mind busy. So I really got into vacation mode and partaking in relaxing activities that I would otherwise not do.
At the end of the day, life works in funny ways.
But I ended up having the best time with people who I didn’t even expect to see, including people that I really don’t have a close relationship with (they probably just felt bad that I was solo, but I will take it). I think the biggest takeaway for me and my anxiety, is that you can always depend on yourself for your own happiness, which ultimately means you should never feel dependent on other people or outside events to feel happy or in control.
At the end of the day, all you can control is yourself and your outlook. Is solo travel for me? I don’t think so. But being forced into it taught me the importance of self love and that although anxiety can be your enemy at times, it can also be your friend when it forces you into new lessons on how to overcome them.