Your Anxiety-Inducing Dating Questions Answered
Self love this the best love, but if you want to be in a relationship, ya gotta start with dating. I’m not sure I know one person that actually enjoys the dating process. If you do, teach me your ways, because I find it to be a massive pain in the ass. Thankfully, I have a good friend D. Jackson who is my go-to for all things dating. If you’re anxious like me, you can find dating to be one of the most anxiety-inducing situations, mostly because you don’t know what the F is going on half of the time.
Common Questions When Dating with Anxiety
As much as we’d love to go with the flow, that’s not particularly in the vocabulary of an anxious person. There are also so many differences in the masculine and feminine energy that can create enough confusion on their own (shoutout to @mindfulmft for this fact!). One thing that D. Jackson always tells me though, is to “never let a motherf*cker see you sweat.” Honestly, is there any better advice than this? Chill on the outside, freaking the F out in the inside is the name of my game.
What I like about Jackson is that he approaches the situation from a holistic perspective by truly looking at both sides. And he never, ever bullshits. So, as the good friend he is, he’s offered to answer some general dating questions that seem to always be the topic of conversation between my friends. Take it away, Jackson!
What is a good general rule of behavior when you start newly dating someone?
A good rule is to get on the same page with that person. If you are actually dating, then you should be able to have conversations or ask shit like "Do you like holding hands in public?" or "Is it okay that I don't do that with you?" It is better to have a conversation when the thought comes to mind, rather than later. If you wait until it bothers you, then it has now become "a thing" and will most likely open up other issues, which ultimately will create more anxiety. So just tell them what feels right for you, and give them space to be honest for what feels right for them. These things may match and they may not. But at least know and you aren't over-analyzing why he doesn't want to go to the same Spin class as you do.
Nicole here, the ultimate over-analyzer (as Jackson will tell you). So, instead of assuming things and creating more anxiety for yourself, perhaps you just…communicate. Revolutionary! My follow up question to this is:
Is there ever a point where it’s too soon to start communicating specifics like this?
Each topic and conversation is different, but I would say once you figure that you are comfortable sharing these things with someone, or when you feel like you want to share deeper things about yourself. Sure, it’s hard to open up to new people or share these feelings that you have (speaking of anxiety triggers) but keep in mind that you shouldn’t be embarrassed by who you are. If they are someone who cares about you, they will listen to your thoughts and take the things you are saying into account moving forward.
How can you tell if someone wants to be in a relationship or just wants to have fun?
From a guy’s perspective: assuming he hasn't done the normal things like; introduced you to family, bought you an expensive item, etc...
Does he text or call you before late night? If so, then he might be interested in more than having fun.
Have you met the same friends more than once? If so, maybe he's interested.
If it is always you joining them at a bar or party after they've already been hanging out together, then he's just looking to have fun.
Rules, deadlines all of that is BS. People get married after two dates and never leave each other. People live with one another and break up over tacos (this is a real story, btw). There’s no too soon for things like that but if it never happens or it’s been months then you should be worried if he’s always with his friends and hasn’t invited you once - especially if other girls were present. If he doesn’t really have friends, get rid of him because he’s a serial killer (jokes).
Expensive item, check! Just kidding (kind-of). Jackson is for sure rolling his eyes at me right now.
Is it ok for women to pursue men?
It is 2019, why can't you pursue him? You see something you want, go get that shit, chances are it will be more successful than some of your previous relationships because it was something that you personally picked out for yourself. But much like that dude with the weird toe shoes that was hitting on you, if he's not returning your advances it might be best to keep it pushing.
What are red flags that should not be ignored?
We're in agreement that violent, jealous, abusive things should never be ignored. When it comes to other behaviors, everyone has a different level of shit that they can take or that doesn't bother them. But if you see something that truly bothers you, not that bothers your friends, then that is a red flag and deserves more of your attention.
What the F is up with ghosting?
This answer is 2 part:
That person has decided to move on and doesn't have the balls to keep it real and tell you
Fuck that person! Ghosting is a shitty thing to do but clearly if a person is comfortable doing this then you weren't in a serious situation with that person and you shouldn’t be hurt by losing that person so let them dismiss themselves and keep it moving.
What is your best advice at keeping your anxiety low while dating?
Open conversation. Not only with your partner but also with yourself. Tell the person that you are dating that you deal with anxiety and share with them what your triggers are, this way they can be part of helping you live a healthy life but also it helps them understand you more. Also stay in communication with yourself because at the end of the day, your physical and mental well-being is paramount and no one can take better care of you than you!
At the end of the day, Jackson is the kind of guy that gets you tacos when you are hungry because he knows everything stops when a woman needs to eat. And that’s the kind of guy I trust with dating advice.