You are Not Alone: T's Anxiety Story

This is my first installment of the You Are Not Alone series.  I’m aware that what triggers my anxiety, how I react, and how I cope may not resonate with everyone.  I’m opening up the conversation to other people who have so bravely offered to come forward and tell their anxiety story.  My hope is that if my story doesn’t quite click with you, one of theirs will. I’m so proud of my friend T who opened up about her anxiety story. T and I are both technically diagnosed with the same anxiety disorders, but our triggers are nothing alike.  It is not easy to talk about this, but the more we start the conversation, the faster we end the stigma surrounding it. Read on for this badass woman’s story:

T's Anxiety Story

What forms of anxiety do you struggle with?

I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder since 2009. I also have frequent panic attacks and anxiety induced insomnia.

When did your anxiety start?

Oddly enough, my mom said my anxiety started when I was 4 years old, and her biggest regret is not bringing me to see a specialist right that minute.  We were going on a car trip to Michigan and my dad (obviously making a joke) told me that if I didn't go to sleep they would forget me at home. At only 4 years old, I didn't sleep one wink that night. It is my earliest anxiety memory.

In my youth, my anxiety was tied to sleeping. I would get so anxious thinking about not being able to fall asleep or being the last one awake I would make myself sick. I slept in my parents room until I was 10 and didn't have a sleepover until I was 14.  So I was not a very cool 14 year old not having sleepovers. I remember as a young child saying to myself I would never be able to go to college because I wouldn't be able to sleep in a dorm room. My anxiety was that bad as a young girl.

Between the ages of 14 and 18, my anxiety actually got a LOT better.

I was totally social in high school, went to college eight hours away from home, and really had no issues.  Then, in January of 2010, a very traumatic event happened in my life. My uncle committed suicide completely unexpectedly. After four peaceful years, that same sick anxious feeling found me in my dorm room. I did not sleep a minute for two weeks. Two weeks later, on my 19th birthday, I was prescribed Ambien.  At this point in my life, I hadn't talked to a doctor yet about any anxiety because my parents didn't believe in it. They are both hippies who didn't know about and had not experienced anxiety.  But because I knew the feeling of sleep anxiety, and could sleep once I took Ambien, I was okay. At least for the moment.

And then, the absolute worst happened.

I never wanted my sleep anxiety to hold me back—I was embarrassed especially with my new college friends and as an extremely social person I wasn't going to let it stop my from studying abroad in Ireland.  I made sure to pack enough Ambien to get me through the semester, my best friends were there, and I would be okay. Oh boy, was I wrong.

If you ask my best friend, she can tell you the exact moment when my anxiety became no longer just a sleep issue.  We were at our flat in Ireland and booking flights to Scotland.  Out of nowhere, I got the same feeling in my stomach that I get thinking about sleep, but I wasn't even nervous about sleeping.  I couldn't figure out where in the world this feeling was coming from...I looked over to my friend and was like I don't feel right.  From that moment on, I have never been the same. My anxiety was there all of the time, for no reason. I had it when I woke up, when I was in class, it didn't matter—I had it.

The doctors in Ireland couldn't help me, so I was very much on my own. I've never been more scared in my entire life. When I returned home from Ireland I went to a doctor who diagnosed me with generalized anxiety and panic disorder.  I have since then been on medication every single day, and struggle with it on a daily basis.

What situations trigger or make your anxiety worse?

Oddly enough, it totally depends.  Any time I sleep in a new or different place, I get anxious.  I always have to keep my baby noise machine with me lol. I sometimes get anxiety in social situations, which never use to happen to me, but I guess with every new life change my anxiety changes with it as well. The heat outside or being hot in general without a pool nearby is not good for it either.

How do you manage your anxiety?

The number one absolute thing I do: I tell myself the anxiety can't kill me.  No matter how bad it is, this can't physically kill me. Another trick I have always used is writing out a list.  If I start to feel anxious, I write a list of what would make me feel better if it was accomplished, and that can sometimes make it go away.  A lot of times my anxiety comes out of nowhere so I always have my Xanax on me. Most times I don't even need to take it, I just feel better if I have it. Also, never ever let someone make you feel bad or that you are a failure for having to take medication.  It is no different than any other medication you would take for illness or disease.

T - thank you for sharing your story.  You are incredibly brave and not alone!